Scotland were a force to be reckoned with, full of pride and passion. Then the anthems finished and the match began. For 10 minutes Scotland redoubtably defended their wee bit hill and glen (the penalty area in this case), McGinn snapping at Kroos’s heels like an arthritic dog, sending Germany back into their own half “tae think again”. Then Kroos skimmed a lovely diagonal pass to Kimmich who pinged it to the edge of the penalty area and Wirtz fired a low shot that keeper Angus Gunn should have stopped comfortably - instead he shovelled it onto the inside of his post and in. Soon it was 2-0 - Gundogan, looking trimmer than his Man City days and effective in a more forward role, spun neatly and slid in Havertz who laid it back to the brilliant George-Best like Musiala to rifle past Gunn.
Scotland were failing to threaten, in fact they were not even threatening to threaten, or even threatening to threaten to threaten. This game was more one-sided than Fiona Bruce on Question Time.
I was taking pleasure from the appearance of Ryan Porteous, the only Porteous to ever appear in the Euros or, well, do anything of note since the hated Captain Porteous was lynched by an Edinburgh mob in 1736. But near the end of the first half Porteous launched himself at Gundogan’s ankle, getting himself sent off and conceding a penalty at the same time. Porteous has a violent history - notorious at Hibernian and booked 15 times this season for Watford, on form the sixth dirtiest player at the Euros and now likely to be the dirtiest, though we will see what Strahinja Pavlovic has in store for England on Sunday. The Porteous family were historically reivers, effectively criminals subsisting in lowland Scotland through murder, rape, arson and extortion. Some of us have tried to distance ourselves from the traditional family profession, others like Ryan have found it a bit harder. At least Porteous was trending on Twitter for the first time, hopefully doing wonders for The Goat’s SEO.
In the second half manager Steve Clark kept bringing on Norwich or ex-Norwich players to keep the hapless Norwich keeper Gunn company - was this some kind of subtle protest designed to subvert the Euros by making the game even more uncompetitive? Germany responded in kind by introducing the ultimate flatterer to deceive Leroy Sane. But then Fullkrug came on - he has clearly spent some time in England judging by the appalling state of his teeth - and woofed in a Roy of the Rovers goal for 4-0. Scotland were still on 0.00 xG, of course they were, but a lumped free kick in the box diverted off McRudiger into the goal. Scotland had scored! Their xG crept up to 0.01, a 10,000% efficiency rate. The Scotland fans started singing again and the Germans almost seemed a little deflated, until Can scored a fifth right at the end. Mannschafted.
Apart from Porteous’s act of ultra-violence, the game was played in polite fashion - far too polite for pundit Roy Keane’s liking (“they never laid a glove on them” he spluttered). The new edict of only captains talking to the ref worked well, but I suspect other less well-behaved teams will put that rule to a much sterner test - (something like this maybe in the old days when a ref was mad enough to award a penalty against Keane and co at Old Trafford).
ITV’s other innovation was introducing “rules analyst” Christina Unkel, a triple trolling of Britain’s sizable white van man TalkSport tabloid community, who hate women pundits, hate having ex-referees commenting on the match and presumably think Americans have no place commenting on our national game. At first her rather stilted delivery and strange phrasing made me suspect she was actually an AI creation, but whether or not she was human her interventions turned out to be swift, accurate and perceptive. Sign her/it up for VAR next season, please.
Scotland are in grave danger of “going home too soon” at exactly the time they always go home, after 3 matches. To get out of the group they need at least 3 points, but with their -4 goal difference they probably now need 4 points. In 2016 Portugal qualified in third with 3 points and zero goal difference (and went on to win the competition). In 2020 Ukraine got through with 3 points and -1 goal difference. Switzerland and Hungary await. McGinn and co need to rediscover some fire and steel and dispense with the Schuhplattler dancing asap.
There is a triple bill of matches today, starting with Hungary v Switzerland at 2pm. Cuddly neo-fascist Viktor Orban loves football and has invested lots of money in the sport, and it is making a difference. Hungary are a long way from the “magnificent magyars” of the 1950’s but they are highly effective. Manager Paolo Rossi is a relationist, where players’ positions are more fluid and interchangeable and they often all bomb forward in a tight group. Not done well, it is a bit like a gang of 6 year old playing in the playground and teams are highly vulnerable to counter-attacks. Let’s see. They may be dark horses. Switzerland not so much.
At 5pm La Roja of Spain play Croatia, the grizzled expendables gathering together for one last job. The midfield of Modric, Kovacic and Brozovic have 372 caps between them. Spain have some exciting young talent on the wings - Nico Williams and 16 year old Lamine Yamal - to compliment the usual midfield ball-hogs and the perennially angst-ridden Morata upfront.
And at 8pm holders Italy play Albania, who topped their group and are tipped by some people (admittedly clinically insane) to cause an upset. They are managed by ex-Arsenal defender Sylvinho and assisted by old Man City warhorse Pablo Zabaleta - expect some “no nonsense” defending, possibly of the Porteous variety.
“This game was more one-sided than Fiona Bruce on Question Time.” How very true! But a predictable outcome. Let’s hope England can do better tonight….