$TRUMP and other investment opportunities

WARNING: This is not investment advice.

I’ve heard of this thing called Trumpcoin, $TRUMP. It seems like an amazing investment opportunity. Trump called it “The Greatest of them all!!!!!”

You can certainly make a hell of a lot of money. The two companies who issued $TRUMP and own 80% of its supply made $320 million in trading fees. Thanks to $TRUMP, they may be worth $8 billion.

Good for them. Great businessmen. Who owns those companies?

Donald Trump.

Oh, right. Well, good for him. But I guess these Trumpcoins are like shares in all his businesses right, for him to make that much money? I mean you own something right when you buy these coins? He didn’t just magic this money out of thin air?

Actually, he kind of did. They are meme coins. They don’t give you a right to anything and you can’t do anything with them, just buy and sell them on crypto-exchanges.

But plenty of other people have made money from them right?

You bet. 50 investors made profits in excess of $10 million each. $TRUMP hit $75 at one point before quickly dropping down again. Now it’s trading at $11. Still not bad for something that does not really exist. 764,000 smaller investors lost money, but there are always losers with meme coins right? Moaning that they are a scam - just people hyping them and pumping the price then suddenly dumping them, leaving gullible small investors with heavy losses.

Yeah, what a bunch of losers. I’m sure it must be OK if Donald Trump is behind it anyway. These meme coins are crypto? Crypto was bad but now it’s good right?

That’s right. Trump explained that cryptocurrency was a “scam” in 2021, but he’s fixed it now. He is the “Crypto President”, deregulating everything - 2,300 jobs at financial regulators are being scrapped. His family also control World Liberty Financial which issues crypto-tokens. After Trump just visited, the Abu Dhabi government has agreed to invest $2 billion through this platform, earning the Trump family hundreds of millions of dollars.

Democrat losers say that crypto is unregulated and volatile and very dangerous for unsophisticated investors. But Trump points out that “the Biden administration persecuted crypto innovators and we're bringing them back into the USA where they belong.”

I like it. Land of the free and home of the brave. And if I buy enough $TRUMP don’t I get to meet him at a dinner or something?

That’s right. Trump recently held a black tie gala dinner for the top 220 investors in $TRUMP. The top 25 got a private meeting (19 of whom invested through foreign exchanges closed to US citizens). The rest didn’t actually get to meet him but he did attend for 23 minutes and gave a speech about crypto. You got one glass of water and the food “sucked”, but it was served on Trump plates. Democrats are sore they didn’t think of it - one lame senator called it an “orgy of corruption” and another said it was “fundamentally corrupt, a way to buy access to the president”.

Yeah, like, Hunter Biden and Hillary Clinton’s emails, huh.

What about them?

I dunno, it’s just what everyone says. Drain the swamp.

Yeah, exactly.

And the good news is that owning a lot of $TRUMP can work like a lucky charm. Just two months after crypto-billionaire Justin Sun invested $75m in Trump crypto-tokens (netting the Trump family a $56m fee), the fraud and corruption charges against him were dropped by American regulators.

Now foreigners are piling into $TRUMP to see if some of that good fortune will wash over them. A Chinese company with no money but links to the Chinese government is about to invest $300 million.

OK, maybe $TRUMP is more for foreigners and foreign governments, but I heard Trump is going to Make America Great Again with these tariffs after Liberation Day. Just buy stocks right?

Yeah, about that. Stock markets are actually down since he came in, because “globalist” nations and corporations caused stock crashes after tariffs were announced. Trump also explained that the crashes and the GDP contraction in the first quarter were absolutely not linked to tariffs but were the result of the “Biden overhang”.

But if you know when Trump is going to change his mind about tariffs then trading in stocks can be very lucrative. Stocks rose 9.5% on the day Trump paused tariffs, which he did a couple of hours after saying that “now is a great time to buy”. Anyone who listened to Trump would have made a lot of money. Obviously anyone knowing what he was about to do, including the president himself, would not have been able to buy stocks at that time, as that is illegal. So I am sure that did not happen.

OK, so you are saying stocks are down due to MAGA-hating globalists. So what about bonds?

Globalists have got at bonds too - they have also gone down in price since Trump got in. But the good news is that 30 year treasury bonds now return over 5% per annum, even though inflation is only 2.1%. It’s almost as if people are worried that the greatest country in the world might not be such a good credit risk any more.

Well at least my dollars are worth more right? I heard Trump’s money guy Bessent say when Trump came in that tariffs would cause the dollar to strengthen and that would offset any inflation they cause. As long as I stay in the USA (why would I go anywhere else?) my dollars will stretch further?

Unfortunately, the dollar’s fallen 10% against a basket of currencies since then. Those globalists again, blaming tariffs, business uncertainty and now a 60% chance of recession (up from 30% when Trump came in). Watch this video.

I’m confused. Look, watch this clip - Trump said “we’re going to become so rich, you’re not gonna know where to spend all that money. I’m telling you—just watch!” How do you explain that?

I don’t think he was talking to you - maybe just to the people on his private plane at the time.

Now I’m getting worried that Trump needs money, under attack from all these globalists and corrupt judges. Is there a way I can support him financially?

Yes there are lots of ways. Go to the Trumpstore where there are hundreds of Trump-branded things you can buy. Take a look at the father’s day gift guide - choices “for the man cave”, “boss dad”, “all american dad”, “golf dad” and “sporty dad”. That covers every conceivable form of dad right? For mom you might like the look of this Mar-a-Lago bling clutch at a competitive $550

Also check out Trump watches for the Fight Fight Fight Red Beauty, “built as tough as the president”, for just $499. There’s plenty of other stuff - gold trainers, digital trading cards. Or this Presidential Edition Bible at just $99, because as Trump says “no-one loves the bible more than I do”. Here are 24 things nobody does better than Trump.

By the way, here’s footage of Trump visiting a church in Washington (watch to the end).

Great, I’m about to load up my cart. But I’m worried Trump may not get enough cash from these things after he’s paid a couple of dollars for the manufacturing cost. Can I just give him money or stuff and will that bring me the same good karma as investing in $TRUMP?

Of course you can. Go to his website. He’s had nearly 2.5 million donations, 96% of them small donations under $200. Just because he’s already elected and can’t run again doesn’t mean he’s not still on the look-out for free cash.

Generous donations can generate good karma. Paul Walzack, a nursing home executive, was found guilty of stealing over $10 million from the paychecks of the nurses and doctors who worked for him to finance a yacht and other luxury items. Not long after his mother by chance attended a $1 million-per-person dinner with the president, Walzack got a full and unconditional pardon from the president. The healing hand of Trump.

It does not have to be cash, Trump accepts anything, such as this $400m plane from Qatar:

As the South African President said at their recent meeting “unfortunately I don’t have a plane to give to you.” “I wish you did, I’d take it, I’d take it” said the great man.

Lots of other governments are helping Trump out - after his recent trip he got branding deals for hotels and golf courses in Saudi Arabia, Dubai and Qatar, worth tens of millions, as well as his plane and Abu Dhabi crypto deal.

OK I feel more reassured now that Trump is doing OK. There’s no more deserving cause for the little spare cash I have than Donald J Trump of course, and I am so glad that he is cutting down on unnecessary expenses like USAID, even if it has caused 300,000 deaths already. I’m pleased that Medicaid cuts and food stamp cuts and getting rid of children’s cancer research will fund tax cuts for him and his friends. They deserve it.

But I’m just a little guy and this new budget is not for me. We still didn’t find anything that might make me some money?

Have you thought about modern art? Justin Sun, the cryptocurrency fraud guy Trump pardoned, paid $6.2 million for a banana duct-taped to a wall last year. Then ate the banana. The seller snapped it up in 2019 for a mere $120,000. That’s a 5,000% return in 5 years.

The president wasn’t involved, though I bet he wish he was. TrumpArt may be coming soon - maybe an original Trump turd, spray painted in gold.

Sounds great, but couldn’t see it in the store. But since you mention gold, yeah, what about gold?

Yes, you could try gold. It does not have any inherent value, like TRUMP, sorry $TRUMP. But, like TRUMP, it looks nice and has been around even longer than him. Gold rises when there is uncertainty in the world. Up 20% since Trump came in.

You know what, I’ve got just the thing for a man of your taste and outlook, combining an eye for crypto, a defensive gold position, and something that advertises your love of Trump. Only $100,000 on https://gettrumpwatches.com/

I quote from the website:

“The Ultimate Power Watch for Serious Hodlers:
Bitcoin Orange Brilliance: The dial? 210 Bitcoin Orange Sapphires so bright they outshine your crypto wallet. The Bitcoin Orange T print and a flying tourbillon make sure everyone knows who’s leading the Crypto Revolution.
18K Gold Flex: This bad boy is crafted from 200 grams of solid 18K gold—because why stop at stacking Bitcoin when you can stack gold too?
Diamond-Set Bezel & Case: Adorned with 122 VS1 diamonds. Subtlety is overrated when you’re making moves this big”.

Leftists sneered as usual. Losers. Marco Rubio gave him the idea, once saying that if Trump hadn’t inherited a fortune from his dad, he wouldn’t be running for president, he’d be selling watches in Manhattan. Now he’s doing both, and Rubio is secretary of state. Everyone’s happy.

OMG. I am speechless. This watch just sums Donald Trump up perfectly.

Yes it does.