Keir's weekend

as told to..

At weekends I like to relax. I set the alarm for 9am though sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking about things and reset the phone and Apple watch to earlier or later, or sometimes both. Then Peter (Mandelson) pings me at 6.30am after scouring the papers for criticism of yours truly. Criticism is like water off a duck’s back for me and we usually have a jolly good laugh about the latest nonsense before I put in a call to Labour HQ to make the necessary policy revisions or cancellations in light of what they have been saying.

I usually prepare the breakfast. Sue (Gray) recently sent me a piece showing the most popular breakfast items are eggs, toast, bacon, cereal and sausages and funnily enough these are my favourites too. There was a time before I was Labour leader that I favoured the avocado and bibingka waffles served up at Labour HQ but times have moved on and so have my opinions. But never say never - they may even change again.

The family have what I am having and they all have the same views about breakfast as me. Discipline and messaging is important. My oldest toyed with being a vegan a year or so ago and regrettably she was required to move out to her aunt’s for a couple of months. After a full apology she was warmly welcomed back into the home. Inclusivity is important to me too.

After breakfast I stroll to my favourite independent bookstore in Kentish Town. A family owned business, hardworking ordinary folk just like my hardworking toolmaker Dad and hardworking and differently-abled mother. Sorry let me get myself together again - I get very emotional talking about my family, I really am quite different from the dry old stick that some people see me as [will this do Sue?]. Anyway as I was saying it’s the sort of business that I love, though I also love big multinationals too. I love all businesses actually.

I always like to buy the top 5 best-selling books that week. I love popular stuff. I am a man of strong opinions but I do always listen. I remember a time not long ago when “Surrounded by idiots” was in the top 5 and I picked it up to buy it, then saw someone laughing and taking photos of me with the book in the queue. I decided to return it but then someone took a picture of me doing that and I thought that may look worse. After a couple of minutes bobbing backwards and forwards with the book I decided to call the comms team. They weren’t a lot of use and eventually Sue said “look Keir do you want the ****ing book or not?” Unhelpful.

It’s match day at Arsenal and I walk down to the local pub where I meet my mates. I order the most popular lager but someone passing by comments that they are disappointed I am not a real ale man. Then a few others say that Arsenal fans are Guinness drinkers since time immemorial. In the end I opt for a three way combination of lager, bitter and Guinness, and jolly good it is too.

On the way to the match I am accosted by a group of men who it turns out are die-hard Spurs fans. We fall into conversation - Ange Postecoglou has got them playing really well this season and though Arsenal are higher in the league they are struggling to score goals and may not be as popular as Spurs right now. After a long conversation and a quick check-in with Sue I decide not to attend the Arsenal game, but because I am a man of strong beliefs I return to the pub and watch it on TV there. A more pragmatic and cost-effective policy I am sure you will agree.

While watching the match I get news that my North London neighbour Corbyn is up to his old tricks again. He is visiting a food bank and homeless hostel and plans to give some distinctly off message speech about how the government should be helping the poor or some 20th century nonsense - no plans to mention how business and private enterprise partnerships are the way forward. HQ send a car to pick me up and we are able to intervene before Corbyn starts to speak. We manhandle him into a van and drive him back home before any damage is done. I take great pleasure in pushing him over and stamping on his glasses.

Evening is spent in the company of some good friends, who happen to be journalists for the Telegraph and Mail on Sunday. “Name one policy you have got which is different from the Conservatives!” says one, cheekily. I am not going to fall into that trap and let them steal all my ideas! “Name one idea!” shouts another. Nice try.

Sunday morning and Sue, Peter and I have our usual Sunday morning war conference. Peter is keen for me to start this Monday fasting thing that Rishi does, and I decide that I will eat 200 calories less on a Monday as a sensible middle ground, not to alienate people.

Then it’s time to address the garden. My make-over is nearly complete and I unveil it to Victoria. “But nothing’s changed” she says, looking disappointed. “Where’s the Japanese water garden? Where’s the rose tunnel?” I sit her down and take her through the costings. With the government freezing the tax brackets our finances are a lot less healthy than I thought when I started the plans - the prudent and cost effective way forward has been to plant these new conifers down the side. “The most commonly planted tree” I smile.

Later our neighbour invites me over for a bitter-lager-guinness and, because I am still a fit man for my age playing 5-a-side football once a week (a box to box midfield general though increasingly I find myself drifting to the right) I decide to hop over without using the gate. Unfortunately I get stuck during the manoeuvre and the malicious Corbynite neighbour on the other side yells out “stuck on the fence again are we Keir?” I spend a couple of minutes pondering my next move. No phone to call Sue or Peter. An unsatisfactorily unmanaged end to the weekend.